Image: Les Cinémas de la Zone
Edgy Argentine filmmaker Gaspar Noé clearly wants to shock people. Though his new film Love is deemed his most tame movie in terms of sexual content, it still contains full frontal nudity, threesomes and projectile bodily fluids. If that sounds like porn, well it is. Only this adult film is in 3D, and we seriously hope this doesn't become a trend. Here are nine reasons why we don't want any porn to be in 3D.
1. We hate the glasses
Sorry, 3D folks, but those glasses are never the right size and usually have some sort of smudge on them. Normally, we would just spit on the plastic lens and rub it with our shirt, but if that smudge came from someone watching porn, we're not even going to pick them up. Just ew.
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2. We don't want to watch porn in public
Yes, even women watch porn, but gosh, we sure don't want anyone knowing that we do. If it were in 3D, we'd have to go out to the local Imax to see it, and that would just be a whole lot of awkward. We're totally fine just watching it on our iPads.
3. Body parts may look distorted
We're afraid that if certain body parts are thrust into our faces in three dimensions, they will likely look much larger than in real life. This could lead a lot of people to have unrealistic expectations when undressing a lover in real life. Unless someone invents special 3D glasses to wear in the bedroom.
4. Movie date nights will be ruined
We love to go on date nights to the cinema with our hubby or boyfriend. If we have to decide between Pitch Perfect 2 or a porno in 3D with our dudes, we're afraid they will never take us to see the Bellas sing again.
5. Fifty Shades of Grey will look like Sesame Street
We love us some Fifty Shades, but the franchise will lose all its credo when held up against movies where people are being cuffed and spanked in 3D. Christian Grey will look like one flat prude.
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6. Porn will no longer be free
Those 3D high-tech cameras are expensive to rent and difficult to operate. Highly skilled camera operators will also be required to make the porn films, no doubt passing the costs off to the ticket-buyer. We don't need the extra expense when we're trying to save for an Apple watch.
7. Popcorn and porn don't mix
These days, a bucket of popcorn can cost upward of $10. It's a salty taste we love but would hate to associate it with another salty taste, if you know what we mean.
8. Ducking from the money shot
Basically, the whole audience will want to duck when the male actor orgasms and we're worried we may accidentally bang our heads on the person next to us.
9. We'll have to buy new bras
To take advantage of the 3D technology, porn directors will likely want to cast actresses with super perky or torpedo-type breasts. It's likely women will want to imitate the look, and we will be tempted to trade in our push-up bras for ones that push out.
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Warning: This video contains mature content.
Love movie trailer